What If I Said
by Robinl1278
Summary: This is just something I've had in mind...I've written some fan fic before, thought I'd try my hand at writing on these two people....
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

Scarlett wiped the sleep from her eyes, a serene grin on her face. Her grin, in times past, was one in which she'd melted hearts. It was her weapon. It was her defense mechanism. Early on in life, she'd learned how powerful she could be, simply by wearing that cheshire cat smile. And in most instances, she wore it with that purpose in mind, always had some ulterior motive in mind. But never, not at any time, had it appeared effortlessly. At least, not until today. Yes, she'd had happy times in her life. Before the war, that is. It hadn't been all that long ago. She was happy, or so she thought. She had every man in Clayton County at her fingertips, had them at her disposal. Sometimes she used them, sometimes she enjoyed them. But lingering there, always in the back of her mind, was the thought there must be something more.

And there was more, much more. Until today, however, she thought it all rested on Ashley and her much sought after attainment of him. That is, last night.

_Why couldn't I see it? Mother taught me so much, but she left out much more. Were my parents ever this way? Did Mother ever wake up feeling like I do at this very moment? _Scarlett chided herself for thinking so vulgarly. Her mother was a lady. She'd never think such things. But was it wrong to feel this way? The question perplexed Scarlett greatly. It simply wasn't ladylike to feel such things. She knew she was a lady. If she appeared otherwise it was simply due to the atrocities she'd been forced to endure. Others couldn't see it, some didn't want to see it, but she was a lady. What all her naysayers ignored was the fact she'd simply done what was required of her. That yes, she'd done some unladylike things, committed some unladylike acts, but it was for survival. She'd done those things, not only for her own survival, but for the survival of those she cared about. Some day they'd understand that. She hoped they would.

The war had hardened her, changed her. Unbeknownst to Scarlett, the war had effected her far more than she realized, especially in matters of the heart. Marriage was a duty, an obligation, a means of survival. And then there was this marriage, one she'd delved into more for convenience than anything else. Of course, the promise of fun was quite conducive in her decision to marry Mr. Rhett Butler.

Oh, it had been fun! She'd enjoyed herself immensely at the onset of their nuptials, had let herself go during their honeymoon in New Orleans. But, not unlike her husband, she hadn't entirely let herself go. Not until last night. Rhett had forced her into it, had left her with no choice. In that aspect, he was no different from Scarlett. And as for him, he'd been tempted before, had on many occasions nearly talked himself into giving himself entirely to her. And then, knowing no good could ever come of it, he'd brush aside those thoughts. It was at those moments he put on that sardonic grin of his, traded barbs with her, did something, anything to keep her at bay. Never, under any circumstances was she to ever know how he truly felt about her.

It was a circle, a never ending circle between the two of them. Never put oneself at risk of being hurt. If nothing else they shared that common divide. Until last night, they'd been successful at keeping it at bay. Last night.

On an emotional level, they were further from one another than they'd been the previous night during that horrible confrontation. While one was giddy, the other was regretful. Scarlett had finally found what she'd longed for. Feeling this way was so new...so unexpected. And for the first time in a long time, Scarlett felt she had something to look forward to.

Rhett's thoughts, however, did not echo hers. Quite the contrary, he cursed himself, called himself a fool. He'd wanted her so badly, had longed for her so. What he'd done, taking her, utilizing brute force in doing so...it was not how he'd intended things to play out between the two of them. Yes, she'd given to him what he'd sought after. But the manner in which she'd done so, it was far removed from the way he'd envisioned it.

_Let her come to you...she will...give her time... _He'd repeated that to himself countless times. And he'd been patient with her. Rhett had grown accustomed to it, from that first time he'd laid eyes on her at Twelve Oaks.

_Don't give in to her...never let your guard down... _Yet, he'd done just that! Scarlett would never forgive him, and he doubted he could ever forgive himself.

"I wonder where he's keeping himself...," Scarlett grinned to herself, steering her gaze toward the door. She sat up straight, enabling her to gaze at her reflection in the mirror. In doing so, she found herself in no need of rouge. Her cheeks were rosy. Her lips required no enhancement, for they were bright of their own accord. She was...blissful... "He'll be here any minute..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who has read/left feedback! It is truly appreciated! This chapter, as well as the first, are meant to build a background and I apologize for the fact they are not more detailed...hoping to build up to that, as well as more interaction between Rhett and Scarlett...or as I like to refer to them, the dynamic duo! I've been a lurker here for about a year and there are so many great stories...and I thank you all for reading, giving me encouragement:) **

**CHAPTER 2**

Rhett idly clucked to the horse, maintaining a loose grip on the reigns as he weaved the carriage down Peachtree Street. He'd made a hasty exit from the house, unable and unprepared to face Scarlett. Not yet, anyway. Yes, he would have to face her eventually. And he would face her. But not until he'd armed himself. She had the upper hand now, due to his own shortcomings.

He was hungover, not to mention ashamed. Rhett Butler was a planner and this was not how he'd envisioned things. His mind was overridden by memories of the previous night, that one wild night in which he'd withheld nothing. He could turn back, turn the carriage around an return to her, possibly entice her into permitting him to have his way with her once again. But he was too stubborn for that.

_Coward..._ Rhett had never shied away from a challenge, had in fact welcomed them, gained strength from them. But never, not at any time, had he faced a challenge such as this one. Even his blockade running days paled in comparison to her. _And I practically raped her.. _Her response, the manner in which she'd responded to his advances was lost on him. This was not at all like he'd planned it. She'd never come to him now.

He wanted a drink, needed a drink. By simply having a drink, just one, his problems would be solved. He'd no longer be hung-over nor would he be haunted by the memory of last night, one in which he looked upon with tremendous regret.

"She'll divorce me now...she has every right to..."

Rhett bypassed Belle's place, his initial destination. Instead, he steered the horse-drawn carriage toward the Decatur Road, trekked the same territory he'd passed over countless times. It wasn't all that long ago he'd met her on this very road, had acted as her escort to Johnnie Gallagher's mills and back to town.

_She was pregnant with Ella...and so beautiful, though she didn't realize it..._

Those trips to the mill with her gave him a great sense of enjoyment. It was during those occasions they talked, really talked. He doubted she ever truly realized what those rides meant to him. Scarlett would talk of her business, tell him about the store and her plans for it, and in return he'd regale her with tales of his youth. Sometimes he told the stories purely for her enjoyment, sometimes he told them as a way of advising her, and sometimes he told them simply to rebuke her. She was his friend. With Scarlett, he could speak openly. And he loved her. If asked, Scarlett would never admit as much, but Rhett knew she enjoyed those rides, looked forward to them as greatly as he did. But she didn't love him.

Scarlett's inability to love him greatly perplexed Rhett. _Why can't she see it? Why can't she see the admirable Ashley Wilkes for what he is...? I see it...and she's so like me... _

"She can't have him...that's the attraction...," Rhett muttered to himself.

Obtaining the unobtainable, that had always been the source of Scarlett's motivation. Noone else realized it, save for one person. Rhett had seen it, had even said as much on occasion.

"And he was correct in that assessment...but last night...," she whispered aloud. _Mother always forced education on us...but she left out one very important part...She married Pa out of convenience...and I'm willing to bet, in her entire life, she never experienced what I... _

Scarlett's face reddened with shame. Her mother, that matron of Tara, Mrs. Ellen O'Hara would roll over in her grave if she knew what her eldest was thinking.


	3. Chapter 3

**I just want to thank everyone again for the feedback on this story. I also want to apologize for not explaining the basis of this fic better. To be honest, I'm just attempting to go deeper into the interlude following Ashley's party and maybe add a new twist to it. That being said, I really have no clue where it's headed...lol Thanks again for taking time to read the chapters and leave feedback!  
**

**CHAPTER 3**

Scarlett couldn't help wondering if other women felt the same as she, doubted any of them did, at least the ones she was acquainted with. All of them, the self-proclaimed hierarchy of Atlanta society, were devoted wives to their husbands. She blushed, giggled to herself as her mind wandered to Mrs. Merriweather, wondered if old man Merriweather ever brought out emotions in her such as those she'd emitted last night.

"Oh...she wouldn't know what to think if he ever...," her words trailed off as Scarlett chided herself.

Deep down, however, she knew she was at least partly correct in her assessment. Nothing had prepared her for this. None of her mother's teachings involved anything even remotely close to it. Scarlett had never done particularly well in school, had been an average student at best, not that great scholastic achievements were expected of her. It was quite simple, actually. _Make yourself attractive...flirt, albeit in a ladylike fashion...get married..._

Scarlett reflected on those teachings, greatly perplexed by it all. Was marriage supposed to be this way? Was her reaction last night considered proper? Or, was it something only someone the likes of Belle Watling would dare? Surely it was wrong. It had to be. A proper wife should utilize her time crocheting, knitting doilies, or something of that nature. But never, not at any time, should a wife spend her day as Scarlett was right now, pining for her husband's return. Not for the reasons she longed for him anyway.

What would they all think of her if they knew what was running through her mind right now? She'd surely be cast out of decent society, not that she hadn't already been. Scarlett reflected on the previous afternoon, as well as the aftermath. She was angry. None of the others knew, nor would they believe the truth. They'd always been against her and if not for Melly, Scarlett would have been cast out of their circle long ago.

"What are they...just a pack of old peahens...," Scarlett commented aloud.

Scarlett narrowed her eyes, infuriated at what had transpired both at the mill as well as the party. In truth, she'd never considered herself one of them. That, however, did not mean she was unblemished emotionally by her status as the object of their disdain. They'd looked down their noses at her for as long as Scarlett could remember, and rightfully so at times. This time they were wrong. And what hurt her most, was the cowardly manner in which Ashley had behaved in the aftermath. _Sitting their...shoulders slouched...he isn't the man I thought he was...if he was, he would have..._

It occurred to her Rhett had not graced her with his presence as she had anticipated. Scarlett glanced toward the clock, frowned upon realizing it was almost noon. _Where is he...? _

Rhett continued along the Decatur Road, turned the carriage just prior to reaching the mill. For various reasons, he'd always looked on the mill with discord. He'd jeered at her over it at times, though he kept the main basis of his contempt to himself. And in Rhett's eyes, the fault didn't lie with Scarlett. Some of it rested on Frank Kennedy for not having the gumption to stand up to her. But the vast majority he blamed on the war. It had hardened her. Scarlett had witnessed far more in her twenty-some years than she should ever have been exposed to in a lifetime. By giving her all her heart's desires, Rhett had hoped to erase the memory of the war and its consequences from her mind. Scarlett deserved far more than the hand she'd been dealt. A great sadness shook the core of his being as Rhett realized all the riches he'd bestowed on her would never be enough. It was always there.

Scarlett peered out the window, having heard the sounds of laughter reverberating from the lawn, and looked on for a few minutes as Wade and Ella indulged in what appeared to be a game of hide and seek. A twinge of guilt pierced her mind as she watched them. Outside, they were carefree, happy children. In her presence, however, they were far different. _They're afraid of me... _

"But not Bonnie...," she whispered.

Scarlett released the drapes, unwilling to allow herself to succumb to the tremendous regret she felt whenever she compared her relationship with Bonnie to the one she lacked with her first and second born. _Some day they'll understand...when they're older... _

She padded across the bedroom, undecided whether or not to get dressed. At present, the safeness of her room was winning out. Scarlett came to an abrupt halt as she meandered past her vanity table, her green eyes wandered to a pad of floral-print, emblazoned with her initials sitting on top. And before she realized it, Scarlett was sitting at the table, pen in hand. She'd kept a diary once, back when she was a teenager, though not for long. In less than a month she'd abandoned it, having much better ways to utilize her time. Now, it seemed the logical thing to do.

_I really have no idea why I'm writing this and, to be honest, it seems rather foolish. But perhaps I can make some sense out of this predicament by transferring my thoughts to paper. If nothing else, maybe I can somehow compose myself before Rhett returns. That in itself is a mystery. After last night, I awakened with this girlish fantasy that he would sweep into my bedroom, maybe even serve me breakfast in bed. It's too late for that and though I haven't ventured from the confines of this room to inquire as to his whereabouts, I feel secure in saying he is most definitely not on the premises. _

_How I wish someone had warned me so that I might have been prepared. As it is, I learned it by experience. And what I am speaking of is something of a very private nature. A proper lady would never speak of it let alone write about it. But, not unlike most things I've encountered in my adulthood, I have noone to turn to other than myself. Besides, when have I ever been looked upon as a proper lady? _

_It happened last night. Rhett and I embarked on a terrible row following Melly's party for Ashley, a gathering I desperately wanted to avoid due to a situation I'd..._

Scarlett closed her eyes for a moment, simultaneously lifted her pen from the heavy paper before her. "I can't bear to think about that right now..."

_The argument began downstairs and went on for some time. At one point I actually feared he might kill me, he was so enraged. And I hated him! Just when I thought it could not possibly get any worse, Rhett forced himself upon me. That's how it began anyway. When he grabbed me, yanked me toward him, I tried to pull away. I was desperate to get away from him. He was too strong though, and my attempts at wrenching myself from his grasp were to no avail. When he forced his lips upon mine, I tried to shrink away, once again was unsuccessful. He was disheveled, his breath stunk of liquor, and I was disgusted by his very existence. Then, somewhere in the midst of his forced kisses, it became a blur. I'm not sure when the change occurred. The change in me, I mean. But somewhere along the way my demeanor crossed over. I couldn't fight him, nor did I want to! _

_Rhett was different too. He wasn't kind, he wasn't tender. He was overpowering. And I relished in that power he wielded over me. In allowing him that power I made a discovery. I, rather he, unlocked something...unleashed something I never knew existed. It was a sensation, a tingling feeling of intense pleasure. A release. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. Rhett must have sensed it because at that point he increased the pace of his movements and we continued in that fashion until..._

Scarlett lifted her head, steered her gaze toward her own reflection. The cheshire cat grin crept across her face. Her eyes began to sparkle. She had her answer. All her life she'd melted and broken hearts with her eyes, her smile. But they were no match for the weapon she now possessed.

"I've defeated you, Rhett Butler..."


End file.
